Nitpicky Gamer: Empire Earth. A Quick Example of How Not to Design a Game

Today I had to test a number of games already part of the GameTap service to make sure they work with [some new drivers]. I only spend about 15 minutes with each game. That's all I needed with Empire Earth to teach a quick lesson on what-the-fuck-not to do in a video game.

First, a trend I've been seeing in many shitty games I've played lately: a sort of super-reinforcement; explaining simple buttons. A very obsessive or very paranoid game designer added little hints to every single button in the game.


I now understand that 'Play Campaign' means 'Play a Campaign.'

Also, not pictured, the 'Single Player' button was cleared up to mean 'Go to Single Player,' 'Play Saved Game' means 'Play a previously saved game or scenario' and 'Exit Game' means 'You probably won't play this game any more, will you?'

I started a Single Player game for testing purposes. I just wanted to get in and get out. It loads and I press the 'escape' key hoping to access a menu. Nothing happens.

That's rule number 2. In any game, the escape key should always- always- bring up some kind of menu; hopefully, the one with save/load and game-settings options.

In this game, like Warcraft, I direct my 'minions' around a large map. The map is pitch black except for where my people have been. I can still look around though, and to do that, I roll my mouse to the edge of the screen. The map will scroll to where the mouse points.

With that explained, you can see why placing really small buttons on the edge of the screen is a stupid idea. In this case, the options button, decorated with a picture of a parchment and quill (you know, recording data, like, you know, saving and loading), is in the top left corner of the screen. It is also the same size as my mouse pointer.



So, here I am, ready to leave. I roll my mouse over to the tiny, options icon. Faster than Superman's middle finger I'm carried to the other side of the map. My screen is pitch black. I roll my mouse back to the opposite side of the screen and, again, I fly past my small group of poorly-rendered herders.

It seems the only way to get to the options button is to turn down both mouse sensitivity and map-scrolling speed. But I have to click on the options button first. I start hitting every button on my keyboard. Surely, there's a shortcut. Yes. F10, you tricky bitch.

Adjust graphics... no. Ah, interface. I click on the interface tab and- what the? I don't understand. How is- the mouse sensitivity and map scrolling speed are at 10%.


It's time to quit playing.

I back track to the main options menu and select 'Exit', you know 'The Button that exits the game, this game you're playing, called Empire Earth, are you sure you want to leave?, please don't, ah fuck it, I know, it's me, not you, call me?'

Before I can leave, this unrelenting muse of poor design grants me another blog-inspiring screenshot. Please, programmers, use your own buttons, and if you don't, just don't use the default Microsoft Windows buttons.




I slowly exit the game.