Man, I haven't written but once in the last two weeks, and only to finish up a month-old game review. It's stoppage, a block, it's creating a block between me and creativity. The more I write, the more creative I feel, the looser I feel, the more verbal I am, the better words I choose - in writing and everyday communication. I talk better when I write. The stop between myself and what I want to be is 'not writing.' I do it, I did it, I'm better. Just do it. Kabam. Done.
This is a weird post, because it's purely for me. I have some form of audience out there because this is a blog, but this is not for anyone but myself. This is not for you. That's not true, I'm just reminiscing an opening page from the book, House of Leaves. "This book is not for you" it says. Let me check. Nope, I had it right the first time. "This is not for you." This paragraph is for you though. For a minute, I'll acknowledge you're there, possibly, reading this post, which has nothing to do with you, and connecting with you, so neither of us is confused. This is not for you, even though it's a blog post, not a personal post, not in a private diary, nor sticky note, nor Moleskine pad, if you like those, that name brand of art books imo, yes, imo, in my opinion, like a text message, im or forum post.
Honestly, I wouldn't read one god damn bit of this post. Self-referential shit makes me throw up. It really does. See my comic-strip Post Modern Throw Up. Not even a comic, but now it's out there, an unofficial release, I have another blog where I post what I will call really bad drawings, and you'll say I'm being self-deprecating, and then I'll say, look at them. It's on purpose. Or I'll at least draw them worse than I could because I don't think I can draw, which is self-deprecating.
Who can read this kind of stuff? Self-referential is a new kind of emo. You just want to say "Hey, shut the fuck up." Get over it, get over yourself, stop thinking so much, stop questioning your existence and your medium. The paper, pen, keyboard, screen, film, that you exist on and just be. Just be. Just be yourself. Tell a story or teach something important. You're on a screen, I'm on a screen, we're all on a screen, now do something. Stop talking about it.
It's old to be postmodern now. It's cliche. For the first time, thanks to those terribly unoriginal ____ Movie directors, even parodies are cliche. Since when is making fun of something cliche? Now. Now it is. And that's really all I do in this blog. It's time to step it up. When? How? Do I have the vision to become a writer for the future, or just the maturity to stop using so much obscene language.
See what writing does for me? Wonders, apparently. All these jumblings, excuse such a messy word, you- audience, come out clean, for the most part, in writing. Granted they'd read much clearer if I would reread them, but that's not for today. Today is free writing. To reference the title, I'm just writing today. No backspace, unless I misspell. I've used it once or twice, but never went back farther than a sentence.
I'm too honest, I think. When I'm writing, like now, as you may even be able to tell, I want to sayeverything that I'm thinking. I can't have a thought that may or may not add interest or important information and leave it out. I thought it, it's fair for me to say it. For you. Looking back at my writing I can say, that's everything I was thinking. That's all of it, everything on my mind. I'm not too ashamed. This is the case in real life, too. I always say what's on my mind. Correct that, I always want to say what's on my mind. I have been taught courtesy and, mostly, when to hold our tongue. So, yes, I won't say everything. But then I don't know which direction to go. I can't usually get it out of my head. If you're hanging around me, we're in a conversation and you find my conversation has died out, I haven't been moving forward as rapidly as usual, it's because something is on my mind and I don't want to say it.
Talking too much can be bothersome at times. I mean, let's say that everyone likes talking so talking a lot in itself isn't annoying. It's bothersome when I want to explain a new concept to a person, or a concept they already know about. I give some information, and they get it. I think of something else to add, and I genuinely think it will add, but they get it, I don't need to go on. Sometimes I have a hard time discerning if what I'm saying will really add something or if I'm just elonging (?) - what is that word... - making the conversation inappropriately longer. There's people in class that don't know when to shut the fuck up.
I feel a little better already. Say What. Talk it out, now talk it out. Talk it out now talk it out. Haha, I've been wanting to write that line all week I was thinking of writing this post. It's referencing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU3N5c2Kxnw.
Just talk it out, just talk it out. Write, talk, Freud. One of the ways he helped or 'cured' people with emotional problems was by getting the to just talk. Talk and talk and talk. Say whatever, the first thing to come to your mind, all the things that come to your mind. Let it out.
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