Connotator ep. 3: Dialogue Between a Waiter and a Tipsy Girl

There are an infinite number of ways to say the same thing. The little choices people make in everyday language can tell you a lot about who they are, what they are trying to say and which ways they are trying to persuade you. Jokes and sarcasm can reveal favorable and unfavorable personality traits.

In these 'episodic' posts, I will humorously discuss pieces of dialogue I have recently heard, read or remembered and the nuances in each that give meaning behind the words.

I had an English Professor that could tell if a student enjoyed writing after reading an essay they turned in. I asked her if she thought I enjoyed writing, and she didn't give me a solid answer. I always thought I enjoyed writing, but it was always a hassle and I either rushed through papers or tried to make them sound too smart. If only I could have written those papers as freely as I write these posts.

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Episode 3: Conversation between a waiter and a tipsy, flirty customer.


(Waiter to female customer) "How is everything?"

Lazy, naive waiter. Laziness emanates from the word 'everything.' Instead of asking specific questions like how she liked her ambitious mixed drink, the Blue Mother Fucker, or how her slice of pineapple and pepperoni tasted (nasty, I assume), the waiter just walks by and throws an easy 'How's everything?' onto the table.

This leads to the second problem, one that the very first waiter serving the very first customers had, a problem I've known throughout my six years of taking tables for tips, asking a customer if they like the food.

Everyone assumes that everyone likes the food. But when the special guest speaks otherwise it become disastrously awkward. Suddenly, the waiter has to appease the guest. He's wondering, "Why did I ask? This guy has three fourths of a plate of food covered with napkins. His silverware is sticking solidly upright in his tenderloin."

The waiter chooses to offer either a discount or replacement dish, or can choose a guiltier, more ignorant option and say "I'm sorry you don't like it. Usually everyone loves it. I love it. You know what? Better luck next time." As a note a waiter should never, ever say sorry. Instead of "I'm sorry the food is taking so long," say "We're really busy, thanks for being patient." Greatfulness sounds, and makes the customer feel, much better than asking for pity. My first boss taught me that.

(Female customer to waiter) "Everything's wonderful. What's your name again?"
Wonderful. As much as the waiter believes the customer likes the food, the word 'wonderful' is most likely a product of something else. She may be in an excellent mood, she may have been starving before this meal, she may be just drinking with a large group of friends. I'll pick the latter, because that was what she was doing.

Many customers like to know their waiter's name. It creates a more personal dining experience (you know, some people are in to that) and also makes it easier to call the waiter. At any time, the person at the table with the loudest voice can shout 'Chris! We need you. We can't get the ketchup out of this damned bottle. Oh, you just squeeze these ones. Sorry about that.' The can ask any passing floor staff to 'send Chris over,' as well.

But by using the word 'again' at the end of the sentence implies something else. This one word sums up the common pick-up line 'Don't I know you?' Of course she doesn't know the waiter, but she can possibly lure him into conversation with this added confusion.

An unlearned person may think "Do know her? Maybe I do know her. She does look kind of familiar. Did I forget her? What's her name? I'm so bad with names."

Professional daters may instead say, "WTF is she talking about? Again? I've never seen this girl before. Wait. Maybe she's crazy. FACEBOOK."

"My name's Chris."
No need to repeat the question back to her, Chris. Just say 'Chris.' But that would make the response too concise and it would sound unfriendly.

She responds, "Hi Chris, my name is Emma. Are you new here?"
Hi, Chris. I'd like to get to know you. That's why I'm telling you my name and raising my hand for a hand-shake. I'm being forward because I've had a nice little bit to drink. Usually I'd just keep quiet and continue to talk nonsense with the rest of these girly girls.

She repeats his name to both help herself remember and assure the waiter that she knows him a little more personally now.

Asking if the waiter is a new employee obviously means that she has not noticed him before, but that isn't important. It is important that she chose to ask a question and continue the dialogue. She could have easily ended the conversation by saying "Hi Chris, my name is Emma. Nice to meet you." Without any further unanswered inquiries, the waiter will again reuse her words and say "Nice to meet you, too." That's the end of the conversation, unless the waiter asks his own question.

To summarize: she's hitting on the waiter.

The waiter replies, "You probably haven't seen me because I've been working another job this summer. But I worked here for three years."

Words like 'probably' are unnecessary. Of course she hasn't seen you. We already talked about this. Maybe, like before, the waiter feels that extra words make for nice, less formal conversation.

You can also see that the waiter's pride has been hurt. Her words challenge his status as a veteran employee of this fantastic establishment he doesn't work for any more. He worked this job for three years, though! Everyone should know about his tenure.

The situation is similar to when a new employee starts work. Sometimes, older employees with self-importance issues find ways to let new employees know how long they've been around.

"Wow, it hasn't been this busy since last year's opening football game. We were so slammed. And two guys called in sick. I don't know how we did it."

Or, "I remember when we didn't have steak sandwiches and fettuccine alfredo on the menu. That was like 2 years ago. I don't think you were working here yet."

"Ah," the female customer replies. The waiter's words were too ambiguous. He needs to explain why he's working tonight when he just said he doesn't work here anymore.

He catches on, "I pick up shifts every now-and-then if people need me; plus, extra cash is helpful."

The waiter just revealed that he's broke.

He continues, "I picked up this shift for my girlfriend because she has a test tomorrow."

Ah, the loyalty is beautiful. The only, I repeat, the only time a person mentions his or her spouse (except, maybe, a rare slip, an accident, a slap from a frat boy's hand to a frat boy's forehead, or that stupid, stupid cock-blocking friend) is to ward off potential suitors. The homeowner says no to buyers and investors because he is content or scared because his girlfriend is a waiter and she keeps a heavy eye on him. Just kidding.

This is the weird part of the blog where my life starts intertwining with my businiess-only post. This dialogue is one that I took part in with a customer the other day and, especially in the last paragraph, it's easy to say I'm writing something safe, something that will make my girlfriend happy and my life better. IM WRITING THIS FOR YOU, BABE. Can you hear me? Its funny that I felt the need to write that in caps as if the words literally needed to scream for her to hear them. As if the letters needed all of their voice to be heard.

But, seriously, believe me when I say I'm writing about myself as if I'm another person - consciously unbiased.

End Program.