A Game Tester's Woe

Whoa, you're a game tester?! You get paid to play video games? What's it like being a game tester?

Well, have you ever played a game you hated?
Yea.

Have you ever been forced to play a game you hated.
No.

Week 2 at the new job. Monday morning. My boss asks me a question, revealing as little information as he can about his intention. "Have you ever played a simulation game?"

Me. Dumb me. "Yea, I love them. You mean like Sim City... or Civilization, right?"

"Not really. Have you played a Sub Game?"

"I don't think so." I didn't even really know what he meant. Sub... game?

"Oh well, I'm going to put you on Sub Command: Seawolf. It's a military submarine simulation game."

Sounds. Like. Fun.

I walked back into the game testing lab. "Hey guys, guess what I get to test. Sub Command!"

"Ohhhhhhh...."
"Ouch"
"Good luck with that."
"Sucks to be you."
"You're fucked."

And he wasn't lying. Apparently the reason we haven't released it is because it sucks, it's boring and no one can beat it. It's so bad that the credits play every time you exit the game. It doesn't expect you to come back. But, you know, supposedly it's one of the most accurate submarine simulations out today. I was actually a bit excited. After I beat this game I'll have the knowledge to pilot a real submarine!

Here's my work log that I submit at the end of each day explaining to my superiors how many hours I put in and what I accomplished.

Monday
"Checked out different menu items and played through the three training missions. Not sure if I really passed the third training mission."

Tuesday
"Went through training missions again. Completed 2 easy missions in 'Mission' mode: Spec Ops and Ice Maze. Started 'Campaign' mode and failed first mission."

Wednesday
"Completed 3 missions in Campaign mode"

Thursday
"Failed campaign mission Ocean Vultures a number of times. Read more of the manual. Played training mission three a number of times also without success. Made notes of a possible bug, but mainly on how insufficient the tutorial missions are."

Friday
"Completed training mission 3 more times unsuccessfully. Can't figure out if the bug is in our version or the retail copy of the game - The tutorial keeps going even when you have not successfully completed it's step by step objectives"

You know how when you're playing through a tutorial, you are told something along the lines of "To do a kick flip, press X after releasing the jump button." The game then waits for you, newb, to complete a kick flip successfully. But that's not the way Sub Command does it. It just tells you to do something, waits a few seconds and moves on. If you didn't do it right, if you have the wrong coordinates, if you don't even have the right screen up, it will continue. The learning curve of this game is a brick wall and the only trick I've learned so far is how to grind my face into it.

Monday
"Completed training mission 3 successfully. Played 'Ocean Vultures' again. "

Tuesday
"Failed Campaign mission Ocean Vultures again, twice. Pulled out the 200 page manual again and started crying."

Wednesday
"Successfully beat Ocean Vultures. That's right! This game is going down. You can mark that on your wall, this game will be done tomorrow bitches.

Thursday
"Failed a mission repeatedly. Went home early."

Friday
"Spent 8 hours looking for a tutorial on the internet. Turns out the only people that play this game are WWII vets in Europe. None of them speak English."

Thank God for Google Translator:

vla good jai find a technical denfer. so when a torpedo you happen above you say shit jsuis death when she seeks a sible and what you find are two possibiliter the worse and that you must darken above (before what does declanche) or the best (and you better not dive very deep about 800 feet before walking all 32 noeus you activate RUDDLE LEFT in loption of soumarin Right click with your soumarin will go a brisk pace in round and that the torpedoes and you go very close to the surface without using the balaste the torpedo below you will (just before you save time because the torpedo can but it will depend on the distance of the torpedo when you go back to the surface other thing when you go back to the surface it can seut your underwater not turn over enronds therefore Fos reactivers RUDDLE LEFT

"So when a torpedo you happen above you say shit?" Got it.

Monday
"Thanks to Google Translator, I completed 3 missions."

Fast forward.

The Land Strike Mission.

I start off in the ocean waters to the right of a large land mass. My first objective is to navigate to the 'launch point' - the place I'll launch a barrage of missiles at two airports on land. I turned SHOW TRUTH on so I know where my enemies are. It's basically for cheaters, or really frustrated, suicidal game testers. I just want to avoid any enemies and get to the launch point. Fortunately, there are no enemies except for two planes flying around, monitoring the seas. So, I set my destination to the launch point, crank up game speed to 8x real-time (yes, some people play this in real time...) and wait.

20 minutes later I arrive at the launch point. At 8x speed, it took me 20 minutes to get to the launch point. I did NOTHING else. There were no enemies, just open sea. I spent 20 minutes moving a dot across the screen. This is NOT A FUCKING GAME.

When I arrive, I am informed by one of my digital crew mates that I am correctly positioned to launch my attack. I press F6 to access my weapons.

oh shit. oh no. no way.

I left my air strike missiles at home. That's right, this game doesn't give you the weapons you need, you have to equip them before the mission starts. After you are debriefed, there are three buttons on the bottom of the screen. One of them lets me choose which weapon I want to bring. How about the ONLY ones that I can shoot in the AIR?

Why would a game send you on a mission that you can not possibly complete? I know, I know, it's a simulation game. It simulates real life. Ok, I'm over it.

This reminds me of something that happened in an earlier mission. I was supposed to guide at least 1 of 3 ships to safety. I failed, of course, and one by one the ships were destroyed behind me. After each one was destroyed, I was told "[Ship 1] has been destroyed, continue with your mission."

Yes, even after the last ship was sunk, I was told to continue. So I spent the next 10 minutes navigating to the finish line. Nothing. So did I or did I not fail this mission? It seems obvious that I failed, right? But I've had other missions that I failed that still advanced me to the next campaign mission. I mean, that's all I really want here - to get to the final mission and beat the game. Respectable, sea-scarred captain or not. So, what do I do here? Do I press End Mission and risk missing one small objective and doing it all over, or do I keep searching?

I eventually pressed End Mission and found out I had failed. This was one constant nagging problem with the game. When you completed a mission, it wouldn't end automatically. I have to press escape, select end mission, and then select Yes when it asks "Are you sure?" Of course, I'm sure! I just beat the mission. Don't scare me like that.

Back to Land Strike. I restart the mission and fill up all of my 8 weapon slots with HLAM air strike missiles. I turn on the Daily Show on an adjacent monitor and watch the full episode while my submarine cruises atbaby speed to the launch spot. When there, I press F6 to access my weapons screen again. I assign the missile in slot 1 to the airport by pinpointing it on the world map. I flood the tank, open the gates and press Launch. I press F7 to open the world map so I can watch my missile. Where the fuck is it? "Lost the wire on tube 1, sir." What the fuck does that mean? Where's my fucking missile? Ahhhhhhhh!!!! Where did it go? I'm sobbing. My co-worker behind me adjusts his headphones and stares into his monitor. Where the fuck did it go....

You can't launch an air missile under water, dumb ass.

I rise to the surface. "Surface, surface," my invisible crewman tells me. I pinpoint the airport again and launch another missile. I turn the speed up to 8x so I don't have to wait. It gets halfway to the airport and suddenly... the airport launches a counter attack. My missile is intercepted. And then one of the circling airplanes drops some torpedoes on me. I need to remember to save my game.

Next day. I know what I have to do. I equip the correct weapons and float over to the launch point. I save the game.

I set up 6 of my eight missiles to attack the 2 bases - the airport and one a few blocks over. I figure I'll save 2 in case something happens. Launched. As they zip away at thunder speed I see the circling airplane fly towards me. Haha! Not this time, buddy. I submerge to 600 feet and head away from the launch site as fast as I can. There's no way he can hit me this time. Wrong. He flew right to me and dropped two more of those motherfucking torpedoes in the water. How the fuck does an airplane detect a submarine 600 feet under the water?

Needless to say, my 6 missiles weren't enough to destroy the two airports. Try try again.

Load Game. Launch 8 missiles. Doesn't work. That's all my missiles.
Load Game. Launch 8 missiles again. There's still damage left on the airports. Why am I doing this? Desperation.
Load game. Launch 8 missiles. Circling airplane drops torpedoes on me. But... but... my missiles work! I win! I fucking win! Airplane's torpedoes destroy me. New survival technique - don't celebrate until you've ended the mission. Like I said, I have to manually end the mission when I complete it. It's like the old days in Sonic: the Hedgehog when you would die right after beating Dr. Robotnik because he had two left over flames hanging nearby in the air and you jumped on them.

Two weeks later. Today.

Final Mission.

It honestly took 30 minutes to get to the ship I was supposed to sink. It's surrounded by a bunch of other ships that look very similar on my RADAR. I worked through them. I took out one of the surrounding ships with one of my missiles and was left with a clear path to the mothership. I fired two missiles. I saved the game as the missiles were half way over in case something weird happened. I've sank every ship in the game with 1 missile. So, I sent two just in case. "Loud explosion bearing 255, sir." "Loud explosion bearing 255, sir." Both hit. 46% damage. Damnit. I fire two more missiles off quickly, but the ship is long gone, weaving away, impossible to get to now. Why did I save after I launched?

Load game. I send 2 missiles to the first ship, sink it, and this time the ships scatter. I pull up parallel to the target ship. We are about 1000 yards from each other - closer than I've ever been to any target that hasn't killed me yet. I still can not find him on my RADAR, though. Luckily, these ships - unlike submarines - send off SONAR. Tracking his SONAR gives me his direction, just not his distance. But I can see that when I use SHOW TRUTH - you know the cheaters' way.Well, better to cheat than to kill myself, mom always said.

I assign all of my torpedoes to this Russian ship that was important too many years ago. Launch. 8x speed. WTF? My torpedoes just went the opposite direction? Why are they going south. They're assigned to go North. Towards the Kursta - fucking - shav. I grab my coworker's chair and swing him around. TONY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Do you see this?

Load Game. I don't know what happened, but, maybe I need more than a SONAR tracker before I should launch my torpedo. Obviously, knowing the exact direction of the enemy ship isn't enough to get the torpedo going the right direction.

I circle around, try a few different angles. I finally get the right coordinates and a good tracker. I launch 6 missiles at it. They soar in underwater unison. A perfect 10 in synchronized swimming. (Great AI, really). And then... HIT! THEY SUCCESSFULLY HIT. I swing around in my chair and pump my fist. What a relief. A smile shoots across my face. After a month of playing, I finally completed the last mission. Tony! Look at this, I beat the game. Finally, I really did. I beat it.

"Congratu... " He shakes his head. "Oh the irony. I couldn't have done it better myself."

I turn back around in my seat.




Goodbye, sweet world.